He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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