You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
