I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
