I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
