i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
