Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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