God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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