i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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