I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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