so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
