Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
birth control should be required to get into college
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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