His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
