I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
