If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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