omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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