I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
