If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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