im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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