He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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