Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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