guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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