dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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