Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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