I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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