sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
