You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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