she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
