Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
