My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
