wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
