I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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