i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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