Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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