I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
