i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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