I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
