We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
