So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I have tasted many bathrooms
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
