Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
