keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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