could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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