She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
