im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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