Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
