Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
