Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
