I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
