I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
