I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
