Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm bleeding and have questions
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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