Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
